From Broken to Bombshell
a woman's journey to loving her body
This is a story about overcoming a lot of life plot twists to become a big, sexy, sassy woman. No, this is not about Lizzo, but she has had a lot of influence on the shift in my attitude in the last year. Here is my story.
I first heard about Grinkie photography over 6 years ago when my friend Kate did a pinup shoot. I hadn't ever really thought about doing something like that because I was "not photogenic". I am overweight and always have been. I'm also a 6 foot tall woman. I was bullied about my size in high school and have struggled with body image ever since.
But when I saw a post about the opportunity to do a pinup shoot with classic cars, I had to do it! I was nervous and felt awkward, but Christi was amazing and we got some awesome shots! Admittedly, while the pictures were beautiful, I still looked at them with the lens of "what I need to work on" - my arms were too fat. My chin stuck out too much. I needed to lose weight. Now that I knew it wasn't scary and with Christi and her glam squad, I couldn't screw it up - so I'd lose the weight and do another shoot!
Well, life tends to happen while you're busy making plans. My husband and I ended up pregnant later that year, and since we hadn't planned on children, this life change was really hard on both of us. Growing a human tends to do a number on a woman's body and hormones, and this one was no different. I gained weight. I wasn't prepared to be a parent. Self-care went out the door for about 2 years. Our marriage suffered. It took about 2 1/2 years to get back to the gym and in the first year, I lost 30 pounds and was feeling great!
Then...I got a moderate/severe case of C-diff that held on for almost a full year. In addition to gaining back those 30 pounds, this disease changed my body chemistry. I have spent the last 2 years trying to figure out my new body. I work out regularly, I eat healthy, but I haven't solved the mystery of weight loss. I spiraled into a pool of frustration, anger and depression.
Last October, I turned 39 and I have a 5 year old. As my daughter gets older and is looking to me for an example, this is not what I want her to see. I have been focused on trying to model healthy eating habits and bringing her to the gym with me. She sees me striving to be strong and healthy, but I want her to know that I am happy and really love my whole self - Lizzo-level love! I can't honestly say that I loved my body, or that I feel beautiful or sexy - well, ever.
I needed to own my journey and learn to embrace and love my body as it is now - a beautiful, life-producing work in progress! I knew I needed something to make me feel beautiful - or at least comfortable in my own skin. I had seen Christi's boudoir pictures for the last several years, and I thought those women were beautiful and so brave to be photographed wearing so little! I thought it would be so cool to do a boudoir shoot, but my brain couldn't wrap my head around it because I was not sexy, not skinny, too tall, too pasty, too awkward......and then I told that voice in my head to shut up because I was going to do this.
So, I did. Christi and Lela made it easy to be comfortable throughout the entire experience. Lela is a GENIUS with hair and makeup - when she turned the phone around after taking an "after" shot, I was shocked. I looked amazing!! Christi made it so easy to be wearing lingerie and she knew exactly which posed and angles would work the best, and somehow, without really even trying, I looked HOT! I looked sexy! I felt beautiful in a way that I don't think I've ever felt.
It blows my mind that I had a hard time narrowing down the number of pictures that I wanted to keep - I would have liked to keep them all!! While I'm not quite at self-love level: Lizzo, I am on my way. And, now, I will have a reminder to hang on my mirror that I am beautiful, no matter what.
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