We talked about her ideas for the shoot and I surprised myself when not only did I have ideas too but I agreed to wear white. To say white clothes and I don't get along is an understatement. But why not? I thought. I was more than willing to follow her ideas, honored that she chose me.
I decided to go into the shoot with very few expectations for two reasons. First, there isn't really much gender-neutral boudoir inspiration to go off of (but I'm so glad it does exist!). And most importantly, I just wanted to look good and feel good about my body. Let's just say it worked.
I went into shoot day (my birthday!) relatively chill until about an hour beforehand when I suddenly got nervous. Paranoid. Critical. Not worthy? Probably. After the short trek across town (thanks to my partner for driving me), I found myself in front of the studio and heard a friendly "Hey!" from Christi down the hall.
She immediately made me feel welcome and comfortable in her space. We talked a little bit about what to expect before she gave me time to change. "Suit up," she said, so I stripped down. I chose to wear a muscle tee since it's one of my most gender-affirming tops and instead of shorts, I wore briefs. But I didn't feel exposed or anything like that. It felt natural. *I* felt natural.
I specifically remember the first photo of me. We could have stopped there but I'm so glad we didn't...even if it made the task of picking my favorites that much harder. Christi would periodically stop and show me the pictures she took, both from her camera and on a bigger screen. No matter the size and no matter the pose, I was amazed. In awe. Speechless (and those who know me know that's hard to do!). I couldn’t believe that was me in the pictures. Whether they were smiling or reacting to one of Christi’s ridiculous jokes, that person looked far too masculine, far too confident to be me, the awkward kid who overthinks everything. But it was! And I looked *good.*
I felt overwhelmed after the shoot but in a good way. I almost cried a bunch which is also hard to do. I would have picked all of the pictures we took if I could. I never thought that arm hair and stubble would make me feel euphoric. Thanks testosterone!