To say 2020 changed the lives of the world population is an understatement. We all suffered losses. It wasn't just loss of life either, it was experiences like weddings, bonding over dinners, holidays and so so much more. In 2020, I had a huge loss of my identity, my hobbies, and what made me feel whole.
Before 2020 I ran on coffee, the gym, therapy, the great outdoors, pretty dresses, and a healthy dose of Star Trek. I had made some drastic changes in my life and things were really turning up in such a great way! I was hitting the gym 3 times a week, I felt strong physically and enjoyed being a tiny tank, but even better than that was the sense of peace I got after running a mile and lifting weights. It was my therapy, my me time, activate meditation, and my heart always felt lighter after a good gym session.
Right when the world was about to shut down, and before we really understood what Covid-19 really was, I got sick. March 15, 2020 snatched my life away as I knew it, and it handed me a jarring and terrifying reality. For the next 3 months I shuffled from the front of my apartment to be where there were windows and a tv, to the back where my bed was. My partner delivered groceries and promptly dropped them in my kitchen and ran because he knew I couldn't carry the bags up the half flight of stairs, but he couldn't stay for fear of catching covid too. I rigged my shower so that I could sit to bathe, and I nearly recklessly chopped my hair off on more than one occasion because my arms were so weak I could barely wash it (thankfully I was able to manage keeping my mermaid hair!). There were times I would drift off into sleep wondering if I would wake up the next day. My body was stuck in perpetual fight or flight mode and my Vagus Nerve which controls that is only just now starting to heal over a year later.
I could write a novel about my experiences being sick and my struggle to find my footing in a body that didn't feel like my own, but instead I'm going to pivot into my recovery. In February if 2021 I started an intensive physical therapy program. Shortly after I added in little bits of meditation (I still hate it, but it really works!), And journaling that would prompt me to evaluate how to challenge my struggles. By June I started to feel a spark of my former self. It was time to heal after a year of grieving the loss of what felt like ever facet of who I was.
A huge part of focusing on my recovery was knowing I needed to celebrate surviving. When I look at this body it is unfamiliar to me, it isn't capable of the things it used to be, but it survived. Learning to love who I am in the present instead of the person I was before getting sick has been a difficult life lesson. I have always known I wanted to shoot with Christi, but somehow reading "you are perfectly beautiful now" in her bio on her website hit differently. I felt compelled to show myself kindness in the face of a change I didn't choose. It was time to be soft and gentle, and to remember that my identity isn't wrapped up in "I can do it myself".
For my 34th birthday I decided to celebrate me, that I am still here, and while Covid has changed so much about my life I am still the same person at my core. Loving myself and learning to ask for help has been my greatest personal challenge of the pandemic. What better way to do that than to do a photoshoot! Having my edgy side, cozy moments, and starlet vibes captured by Christi and highlighted by her hair and makeup team (Sammi and Betsy!) was truly a dream come true. They helped me heal my heart and fed my soul. I will be forever grateful to them for helping me remember that power isn't just from lifting weights, doing a million squats, or running, but power is also the ability to slow down, to look in a mirror and love yourself despite the challenges or changes, and remaining soft in a world that demands you to toughen up.
The woman I am today is just as worthy of love as the woman I was prior to getting sick, and having these photos as a reminder is such a treasure!
